The Ferris Wheel of Shame, and How to Get Off the Ride
We’re Only Human
The nature of being human means making mistakes. And we’re professional humans. Even in our best seasons of life, we make countless missteps each day…from not treating our bodies with kindness to stirring up arguments with loved ones to locking our keys in our car. We get distracted, overwhelmed, emotional, and foggy. We say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and get up the next day and do it all again. The truth is, that’s okay. We cannot be perfect. And there’s grace for every single way we fall short. When our mental health is good, it can be easier to step back and give ourselves room to mess up, be forgiven (by others and ourselves), and move on. The problem arises when regret evolves into shame and our identity gets wrapped up in regret.
The Cost of Control
It’s possible to see and honor your worth, to categorize mistakes correctly, and to identify yourself as the valuable, flawed human you were created to be.
Most of us have difficulty wrapping our minds around the fact that we’re actually in control of very little in our lives. We’re navigating our everyday lives while hopping over outside obstacles all day long. Roof leaks, sick kiddos, toxic bosses, financial changes, relational conflict… even when we may have had a part to play in why things went awry, our ability to control outcomes can be very limited. But for some of us, bad news or bad decisions become a much greater issue. Instead of being able to see them for what they are (frustrations, trials, or simply bad decisions) we begin to identify ourselves as people who deserve punishment. This is how the shame cycle starts up.
The Ferris Wheel of Shame
Picture a ferris wheel at a fair. It stands steady until a few riders hop into the car at the bottom. Picture mistakes, bad news, or trauma piling into that car, rather than real people. The movement of the ferris wheel starts off slowly but in the case of Shame Cycling, the fuel isn’t coming from a motorized engine. There are a few different power sources that keep the wheel rotating. The first power source that kicks it off is negative self-talk.
“I am not worthy of good things.”
“I can’t do things right.”
“I can’t believe I…(let this happen), (feel this depressed), (can’t get out of this rut), (can’t handle this situation).”
The negative self-talk gains footing and completely takes over our internal dialogue. When our self-narration becomes negative, we begin to identify ourselves as humans who can’t get anything right. And that’s when our need for numbing ramps up.
Coping with Shame
It shouldn’t be surprising…seeing ourselves as people who are unworthy of goodness leads to depression and anxiety. When we’ve identified ourselves with our regrets, one of our first natural moves is to numb-out. The avenues for avoiding pain (fueled by shame) look different for everyone: excessive spending, drug and alcohol use, unhealthy sexual encounters, self-harm, overeating, and self-sabotage are all ways we both try to make ourselves “feel better” and in turn, punish ourselves when we feel shame for engaging. Now the ferris wheel is being powered by our unhealthy coping mechanisms.
When we arrive at the top of that ferris wheel we realize that in order to cope with the shame we have been resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms (for example: spending way too much money shopping online). The realization of this behavior makes us feel….that’s right…shame. But we’ve told ourselves we don’t deserve any better because we’re hopelessly flawed. In order to punish ourselves for overspending, we may overspend again. After all, we tell ourselves, we don’t deserve a savings account and overspending takes the edge off of our immediate pain. The ferris wheel begins to drop down towards to ground now, powered by negative behaviors that lead to more shame.
Stop the Ride! I Want to Get Off!
Don’t worry, there is plenty of good news! First off, once you’ve identified your shame triggers and how you’ve chosen to punish yourself for them, you’ve done so much of the work! Being cognizant of your own negative behaviors is a major step towards healing. Secondly, shame does not need to rule your life. In fact, it must not. It’s possible to see and honor your worth, to categorize mistakes correctly, and to identify yourself as the valuable, flawed human you were created to be. Don’t let shame fuel you any longer. At Hope & Healing, we have counselors who can help you see yourself as you truly are, and move forward without the weight of guilt and shame. Contact Us today if you’d like help walking that path to freedom.
Verified Reliable Sources for the Content in This Article: Breaking the Cycle of Shame and Self-Destructive Behavior
Put It Into Practice
Identifying your coping behaviors is a huge step to replacing them with healthier responses!____
You probably have an inkling of what your response to shame is. Do you find yourself waking up with regret and making yourself a drink to numb the shame? Or maybe even over-exerting your body with too much exercise? When you feel bad for how you treated a friend do you double down on chocolate ice cream? Are you hitting Target on the way home from a bad work day to soothe yourself with shopping? Make a list of any and all ways you deal with shame in your life. Then list step by step how you approach that activity.
For example: 1. Leave work 2. Get in car 3. Drive to Target.
Now revisit those steps, creating an alternative route: 1. Leave work 2. Get in car 3. Call best friend.
It’s possible to stop the cycle of shame and the easiest way is to create a new plan for a new way of doing life.
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