How The Power of Positive Communication Strengthens Relationships
The Power of Responding Well
It’s what we all want deep down for our romantic relationships…a relationship that stands the test of time, a marriage that sees the decades roll by, and a lasting connection with our partner that withstands conflict and trial. But the results of a satisfying relationship don’t just show up at the natural end of a 60 year long marriage. Good results take work… and the right kind of work. Years of research show us that the most satisfying romantic relationships are nurtured by habits of good communication. Couples that speak to each other often and speak to each other well are the ones that thrive the longest. In fact, researchers have found that individuals in committed, satisfying marriages at 50 had greater mental capacity and better emotional and physical health at the age of 80. The benefits of good conversation and the art of knowing how and when to respond well to each other not only build a better marriage, but a better person.
Building Strong Bonds Through Positive Communication
Researchers have some fancy language for the terms of communication within a romantic relationship. Capitalization is what it’s called when we share positive news or thoughts with our partner, while accommodation is the term for sharing negative news or behavior with them. If you’ve ever been in a romantic relationship for longer than three weeks, you know that both of these types of communication are just part of life. You’ll have good news one minute and bad news the next. So while no one can avoid the bad moods or situations in life, the way we respond both to capitalization and accommodation is a big factor in the way we measure our satisfaction within a relationship. Responding even to bad news in a positive way (putting effort towards understanding, being open minded, and gracious) creates a level of satisfaction and intimacy that builds a stronger relationship.
The Difference Between Responding Passively and Negatively
There is evidence that responding passively to bad news from your partner is more helpful than responding negatively. For example, a wife returns home from a trying day and slams the kitchen cabinets as she starts to prepare dinner. Her husband asks what’s wrong and gets a deluge of negative information about the kids, the family schedule, and a malfunctioning washing machine. Instead of responding with his own negative thoughts and anger, the husband nods, takes a deep breath, and offers to help chop vegetables. This response is both passive and positive as it offers help, but doesn’t respond directly to any issues. It allows for space and possibly a redirection of energy and emotion. Above all, this response is still positive and can garner those levels of intimacy and contentedness that keep marriages alive for so long.
Positive Interactions Create a Strong Foundation
Positive interactions create a safe culture within a marriage, and that culture of felt-safety is especially important when things get challenging in the relationship. In those days and weeks (and sometimes years) when everything seems to be falling apart on the outside, being in a committed marriage with someone who is kind, loving, and offers emotional security is far more important than any other outside factors like wealth, career, or lifestyle.
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Positive interactions create a safe culture within a marriage, and that culture of felt-safety is especially important when things get challenging in the relationship.
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It’s not easy. Marriage is not easy. Feeling known while making sure your partner feels known is a worthy challenge, but when it comes down to good investments, there’s not a better opportunity than to invest well in the person you love the most. Knowing how to get down the road feeling loved, known, and respected is what we’re all looking for, after all.
Verified Reliable Sources for the Content in This Article: Communication, the Heart of a Relationship: Examining Capitalization, Accommodation, and Self-Construal on Relationship Satisfaction via the National Library of Medicine
Put It Into Practice
Pay extra attention to the type of information you're getting from your partner this week.____
We all think about ourselves. A lot. But for the next few days, try to pay attention to what kind of information your partner is bringing you. Is it good news…personal victories, insights, happy ideas? Or is it negative…bad feelings about the future, anxiety-related fears, or sadness? Categorizing this news allows you to chose your response. Do you need to act positively by offering help, grace, or simply a few moments of quiet attention? Or should you help your partner get past a negative moment by offering distraction? Take care to offer positivity either actively or passively and remember that the extra effort and energy is well worth the investment.
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