Finding peace and strength by letting go of toxic relationships
The Healthy Way Out
Navigating relationships can be one of the most rewarding yet challenging aspects of our lives. While healthy attachments enrich our lives, toxic relationships can drain our energy and impede our growth. The way we relate to others, rooted in our early experiences with caregivers, profoundly shapes our sense of self-worth, value, and purpose as individuals. But sometimes, the path to a healthier, happier life means making the difficult decision to step away from relationships that are feeding negative behaviors in us. Understanding when and how to separate from these relationships, even for a temporary amount of time, can be the key to moving forward, creating better habits, and flourishing in the years ahead.
*If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, it’s important to seek professional help quickly. Call the National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or reach out to a physician or therapist today.
When Detaching is Necessary
The hardest part about detaching is knowing for sure that it’s the right thing to do. It can be incredibly heart wrenching to walk away from someone you’ve been connected to for any length of time. So determining that detaching is the right move without a shadow of a doubt, can provide you with the peace you need to make the decision.
Ask yourself if any of these seem true for your difficult relationship:
Do you obsess about the other person? Are you constantly worried about them and the decisions they make?
Do you feel they need you to constantly tell them how to behave or what to do?
Do you feel controlled by them? Are they always instructing you on how to act?
Are you experiencing physical symptoms as a result of your relationship? Anxiety, difficulty sleeping, depression, headaches, etc.?
If you answered “yes” to these questions, your best next step is to talk with an experienced licensed therapist who can guide you through the complexities of a difficult decision like this.
How to Make Space
It’s important for you to know that detachment doesn’t have to mean detaching forever. Sometimes you just need to make a little room between yourself and the other person for you to both rest, reevaluate, and gain a new perspective. At other times, however, a more permanent separation may be necessary. An experienced therapist can help you decide what fits your situation if you’re not sure.
“"Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is let go of what weighs you down. Finding peace and strength begins with making room for your own well-being."
Perhaps the most important thing to define for yourself is a solid reason why detachment is necessary. A simple sentence should help convince you (and keep you convinced) of why separation is healthy even on the days it’s hard to remember. Write that reason down. Memorize it. Share it with a trusted confidante to hold you accountable.
Sometimes you can detach from someone slowly, letting them go over time without a difficult conversation, simply fading out from each other’s lives. Other times, as with an intimate partner or a close family member, you may have to approach the detachment head on by explaining the need for separation. A counselor can help you navigate a more extreme detachment safely, strongly, and kindly. However you must go about the process, keep your why close at all times and make sure you have the support you need before you start the journey.
Plan Ahead
Looking towards a more secure, joyful future will always help fuel the processes of today. Journal about the life you want two months from now, six months from now, five years from now. Do you see a mended relationship or a life completely separated from the other person? What can you see yourself doing a year from now that would be impossible today? Let that be a catalyst for change.
Garner Support
Join a support group, make regular therapy appointments, and step back from alcohol as you pursue detachment. Building healthy habits will only help you move forward in healing and you’ll need a community of support as you walk through the days ahead. Don’t trip yourself up by depending on drugs or alcohol to soothe your heartbreak or confusion. And have a trusted friend who will help you steer clear of rebound relationships or other obstacles that you may cross.
Detaching could be one of the hardest paths on your journey, but it could also be one of the most life-giving. Proceed with caution but hold onto hope. And whatever you do, don’t walk the path alone.
Put It Into Practice
It can be easy to think ill of yourself during detachment.____
You may feel shame or guilt for setting boundaries and separating yourself from someone you love or cared for in the past. If you struggle with guilt, jot down the reasons detachment is best for you and your other loved ones. How does this relationship negatively affect you? Your children? Your spouse? Your community? Keep that list nearby. Take a picture of it on your phone. A steady reminder will keep you focused on your healing.
Other Interesting Reads about Setting Boundaries
Verified Reliable Sources for the Content in This Article:
When Letting Go Is Tough: How to Emotionally Detach from Someone by Lori Lawrenz, PsyD and Kasey Van Dyke