Who suffers the most when you hold a grudge?
We’re back with another installment in our Research Reveals Series, where we take a deep dive into research done by mental health experts, and bring you the high points in practical bite-sized pieces. This week we dove into a book called Handbook on Forgiveness, which is written by Dr. Loren Toussaint and Dr. Jon R. Webb.“Significant Mental Health Problems” Associated with Unforgiveness
There’s an old saying attributed to Buddha that modern psychological studies suggest is true: “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” In other words—though we may think that living in a state of unforgiveness punishes the person who hurt us, it is we who suffer the most from holding onto bitterness.
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
In there’s a chapter entitled “Theoretical and Empirical Connections Between Forgiveness, Mental Health and Well-Being,” Dr. Toussaint and Dr. Webb conclude that “left unaddressed,” the negative emotions that accompany unforgiveness, such as “resentment, bitterness, hatred, hostility, residual anger, and fear” are likely to give rise to “significant mental health problems,” most notably depression and anxiety. The inverse is also true: forgiving one’s offenders is associated with improved mental health and wellbeing.
What is Forgiveness, and What is it Not?
Though there are many ways to define forgiveness, in their research, Drs. Toussaint and Webb conceive of it as a process that doesn’t depend upon “retribution, restitution, [or] reconciliation … yet reserves the right to retain accountability from the offender.”
In being a process, it is assumed that forgiveness is not necessarily a once-and-done act; it is not expected to be quick or immediate. Rather, it is often gradual and takes time. Besides that, it can develop without the offending party restoring what was lost or taken. True forgiveness is possible even if the one who hurt you doesn’t own up to what they did or ever try to make things right.
And finally, forgiveness, as defined by Drs. Toussaint and Webb, isn’t dependent on the victim seeing the offender punished. The victim doesn’t seek vengeance, no matter how warranted it may seem. This doesn’t mean, however, that the victim forfeits their “right to retain accountability.” For example, someone could genuinely forgive their abuser while pressing charges against them—in part because this may well be the best thing for both the abuser and the broader public.
What Do the Studies Show?
Drs. Toussaint and Webb showcase a host of psychological studies that reveal just how powerful both forgiveness and unforgiveness are. Time and time again, forgiveness mitigates depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses such as bulimia. Forgiveness is even shown to lessen nicotine dependence and decrease drug abuse. Greater life satisfaction is reported among those who have both given and received forgiveness.
On the other hand, those who have a hard time both giving and receiving forgiveness are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, psychological distress, and PTSD.
The research is clear: harboring unforgiveness has a negative impact on our mental health, while giving and receiving forgiveness has a positive impact on our mental health.
Knowing this powerful truth is one thing—implementing it is another. Check out the Put It Into Practice section below for some tips to help you embrace a life of forgiveness and experience the healing that it will inevitably bring.
Verified Reliable Sources for The Content in this Article: Worthington, Everett L., et al. “Theoretical and Empirical Connections Between Forgiveness, Mental Health and Well-Being.” Handbook of Forgiveness, Routledge, New York, 2005, pp. 349–362.
Put It Into Practice
Here are some reflection questions to think about, journal through, or discuss with a loved one as you aim to embrace a life of both giving and receiving forgiveness. Remember—forgiveness is an ongoing process, not a once-and-done act. Think of a time you were forgiven by a loved one.
How did you feel before and after they extended their forgiveness to you? What effect did this have on your relationship? On you personally?
Think of a time you forgave someone who hurt you.
What were the barriers to choosing to release resentment and extend forgiveness instead? How did you feel before and after?
Is there someone in your life whom you have not yet forgiven?
What would it take for you to decide to forgive this person?
Is there something in your life for which you need forgiveness?
Who is it that you wronged—whether intentionally or unintentionally—and how might you go about asking them to forgive you?
Read Psalm 32.
What images and metaphors are used in this prayer to depict the destructive nature of unforgiveness and the healing power of forgiveness (in this case, of receiving it)?
If these questions stir complicated emotions or bring back unresolved issues you’ve struggled to move on from, Hope & Healing is here to help you work through those issues – no matter how big or small.Other Interesting Reads About Finding Healing
