Can You See Yourself in These Spot On Descriptions of Attachment Styles?

Did you know that psychologists tend to categorize people into four different attachment styles? We’ve done the heavy-lifting for you and given you a flyover of each one below. As you read, ask yourself which one you relate with most! 

Avoidant (or Dismissive) Attachment

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IN CHILDREN
The avoidant style shows itself in a general avoidance of parents and other caregivers. It tends to look like hesitation to initiate contact or seek comfort from a caregiver. These children are often raised by adults who are overly strict, suppress emotional expression, or demand a child to be thick-skinned and tough. 

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AS ADULTS
The anxious-avoidant type can appear put-together and confident; however, they struggle to form close relationships. They may find ways to avoid vulnerability and intimacy, preferring to keep people at an arm’s length. For some, longing for yet fearing intimacy can result in a string of failed relationships. 

Anxious (or Ambivalent) Attachment

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IN CHILDREN
The ambivalent style shows itself in a strong suspicion of strangers and extreme distress when separated from a caregiver. Interestingly, the return or reassurance of the caregiver typically does not calm the child down. These children are often raised by adults who are absent or inconsistent in their availability, leaving the child unable to predict their caregivers’ behavior or shake their fear of abandonment. Sometimes caregivers are overly invasive or protective, failing to help their children grow into independent adults. 

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AS ADULTS
This type tends to suffer from low self-esteem. Though they can easily acknowledge and accommodate the needs of others, they struggle to admit their own needs. They often need a lot of reassurance, as they have a heightened fear of abandonment—and would be quick to blame themselves if they were abandoned.

Disorganized (or Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment

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IN CHILDREN
The disorganized style shows itself in the presence of both anxious attachment and avoidant attachment behaviors. Psychologists say these children often fear for their own safety. The result is incoherent behavior, sometimes drawing close to caregivers and sometimes pulling back as they attempt to both get their needs met and protect themselves in an unsafe environment. 

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AS ADULTS
As adults, this type, like the avoidant type, fears yet desires intimacy. Having been hurt so much growing up, they assume that rejection and hurt, even harm, is inevitable. In relationships, they tend to swing from being clingy and codependent to aloof and detached. 

Secure Attachment 

For the 66% of Americans who are securely attached, there are several contributing factors, which include:

• Feeling safe and protected as children. 

• Feeling seen, known, and responded to growing up (particularly being comforted when distressed).

• Feeling comforted when distressed.

• Feeling delighted in and enjoyed. 

• Feeling free to explore, try, fail, and succeed. 

Though no caregiver is perfect, those who are securely attached had their basic needs met growing up and are now equipped to navigate adult life with a healthy sense of attachment in their relationships.

Out of the four types, you can probably see that this one is considered “ideal.” However, if you identify with one of the first three styles, don’t despair! Psychologists believe we’re all capable of growing “more secure” in our attachment style, even into adulthood. Sound like an unattainable goal? It’s not! Stay tuned for our next post in this All About Attachment blog series, where we’ll take a look at how to do just that.

Verified Sources for content in this article: Very Well Mind, Attachment Project

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Luke Lewallen, Mental Health Counselor