Sources, Symptoms, and Self-Care for the Mother Wound
The First Relationship
The importance of the child/mother relationship cannot be overstated…it protects, nurtures, and molds even from the moment of conception. For both biological and adoptive mothers, the role is fundamental to raising and loving their children. Mothers are necessary. But they are also–every one–imperfect. When the relationship between a small child and a mother is fractured at an early age, the “mother wound” occurs, crippling the secure attachment of the child and creating challenges for them even as they grow, learn, and mature into independent adults. We all need the warm, nurturing love of a mother, and when our’s, for whatever reason, cannot provide that deep sense of love, affection, and acceptance, we’ll be looking for it elsewhere until our mother wound is healed.
The Wound
Though men and women alike can experience a mother wound, daughters typically manifest the wounds more often, as they look to their mothers for more concrete examples of how to be a woman. When a girl doesn’t feel the depth of her mother’s love toward her, it changes how she sees herself and the world around her. She may feel less secure, have lower self-esteem, and even sabotage her own success and happiness.
Typical symptoms of the mother wound may be:
A low estimation of self-worth
The inability to soothe oneself in distress
A lack of emotional self-awareness
A scarcity of love and warmth in other relationships
If this sounds like you or someone you love, it may be helpful to consider the behaviors of a mother who may unconsciously inflict a mother wound. Often this looks like a mother who:
is too self-involved to properly nurture her child
has not sought help for mental illness
has experienced abuse and not received care
is overly critical
expects her child to provide her emotional support
offers her child necessary provisions for survival, but lacks love and care
Healing The Wound
Emotional wounds can’t be healed with a bandaid, but that doesn’t mean healing is impossible.
Emotional wounds can’t be healed with a bandaid, but that doesn’t mean healing is impossible. Learning to care for your mother wound can be life changing for both you and your mother, if she’s still in your life. Understanding that your relationship with her may never be ideal could be the first step in your healing journey…but that doesn’t mean a new, more whole relationship isn’t worth the effort. In the meantime, learning to care for yourself will be the balm you’ve always needed.
Caring For Yourself
Spend time learning to love yourself well. Be gentle with yourself, be sure your inner dialogue is speaking lovingly, and be careful to not use abusive practices to punish yourself when you’re discouraged or disappointed.
Work on your emotional intelligence. Name your emotions as they arise, give them the attention they deserve, and give yourself permission to feel them – especially if stuffing emotions was a learned behavior from your mother.
Practice self-care. Perhaps this is the best way we can “parent” ourselves as adults. Give yourself permission to do things that give you great joy, enhance your daily experience, and soothe you when you’re down.
Put It Into Practice
Do you remember a particularly difficult situation from your childhood when you didn’t receive the nurture and love you expected from a parent?____
Take time to write down the positive affirmations you needed to hear at that moment. Think of kind phrases like, “I am so very proud of you.” “I love you more than you know.” “You could never do anything that would cause me to love you less.” “You are doing great work.” “I am so sorry you’ve been hurt. It hurts my heart when you’re sad.” Repeat these phrases to yourself daily. You can help parent your inner child by being kind to your present self.
Other Interesting Reads about Healing from Past Wounds
Verified Reliable Sources for the Content in This Article:
What Is the Mother Wound and How Do You Heal by Rhona Lewis & Timothy J. Legg, PhD, PsyD via Healthline