Why Some People Can't Seem to Form Healthy Relationships

August 15, 2023 Casey Sigler

“Safety breeds safety. And safe people make us better people for being around them.”

- Dr. Henry Cloud & John Townsend -

Everyone on earth has some of the same basic needs: food, water, shelter, and a few stable relationships. No one actually requires dozens of friends or a glamorous social life or plans every weekend. But everyone needs to know that there are a few…just a few…people in the world who will love them no matter what, have their back when they fall, and not flee at the first sign of trouble. Whether we realize it or not, the way we attach and bond with others starting from infancy has a great deal of impact on how we continue to do so throughout adulthood. We’re all looking for stability. And if we’ve been trained to never receive it, even in our quest to meaningfully bond with others, we will sabotage our relationships one after the other as we expect them to fail. If you know someone who struggles to form healthy relationships, their insecure attachment may be the culprit behind the sabotage.

When the Bond is Bad

Just because two people are friends, lovers, or associates doesn’t mean their attachment is healthy. If the relationship is steeped in difficulty, it may be worth taking a long look at the “symptoms” on hand to determine if the bond is insecure and subject to fail. However, it’s always important to remember that even those with the most severe form of insecure attachment are capable of healing. Just because a relationship has been formed under an unhealthy pretense does not mean that it is hopeless. In fact, there is always hope and a path towards health.

It’s always important to remember that even those with the most severe form of insecure attachment are capable of healing.

Psychologists have identified three main types of insecure attachment that cause relationships to crumble. If you believe yourself or a loved one may suffer from either having or experiencing insecure attachment in others, the first step of healing will be investigating and identifying which form unhealthy attachment is at play. A therapist will be able to walk you through the nuances of your own experience, but a quick rundown of the three forms may be a useful preliminary tool.

Someone who experiences Avoidant Attachment may:

Find it difficult to make friends
Appear unemotional
Recoil at negative feedback
Seem unaffectionate
Self-isolate in moments of stress
Be known as a “loner”

Someone who experiences Ambivalent Attachment may:

Desire closer relationship but be untrusting
Have difficulties with boundaries
Manipulate to control others
Struggle with jealousy
Experience separation anxiety
Obsessively look for reassurance

Someone who experiences Disorganized Attachment may:

Suffer from depression and/or anxiety
Experience self-loathing or have a poor self-image
Have difficulty breaking the chain of neglect with their own children
Be unable to see the world around them in a clear, conscientious way

The Healing Begins with Help

It’s challenging to form a strong bond with someone who suffers from insecure attachment because these people find it difficult to be vulnerable with others. They’ll often find themselves alone, unable to trust, and unwilling to invest time and emotions in any kind of true relationship.

The healing begins with help. Once someone is able to identify which type of insecure attachment they’re suffering from, it’s easier to identify unhealthy behaviors and begin taking steps toward healthier habits and deeper relationships. This is where freedom can be found and relationships can begin to thrive!

Don’t stay in a bad bond…seek healing and reach out for hope today.

Put It Into Practice

Think you’re in a relationship with someone who suffers from insecure attachment?
Try grace.

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Gently encouraging them to understand that you desire to love them better, know them more fully, and be with them long-term may help them see that security can be found. Offer to help them find a good therapist, and ask if they want you to tag along to the first appointment. With kindness, identify when they’re isolating or being untrusting for no apparent reason. Volunteer occasional verbal affirmations. “I’m here for you.” “I’m not going anywhere.” “You can trust me.” And to care for yourself during this season, keep a gratitude journal and frequently remind yourself why this person is worth sacrifice, time, and resources. Don’t go it alone. You’ll both need community. Plug into a church group or a small but tight circle of friends. Support will carry you both through.

Hope & Healing