Now you’re thinking about chocolate cupcakes, aren’t you?

Turns out it’s not so easy to not think about something you’re trying to not think about – especially when something (like a picture of warm, fresh cupcakes) brings it to mind. The same is true with memories of our traumatic experiences.

We All Hear the Voices that Bring Shame Memories

You open a closet and hear the criticism. “You’re a slob. You can’t organize your way out of a paper bag.” 
You raise your voice to a kiddo. “You’re a terrible parent. You are everything you try not to be. They will be permanently scarred.” 
The list goes on and on and usually, there’s something behind it; a memory, a harsh word in your past, or the overall feeling of shame you were handed at some point in your life. Even if the voice isn’t exactly your mother’s, brother’s, or crazy Aunt Judith’s, chances are it comes from somewhere and it doesn’t just fizzle out as you age. Whether your shame stems from a significant event of Trauma or simply an emotionally painful experience that you just can’t shake, the key to releasing shame comes from releasing the memories we have of it. 

“Just Don’t Think About It!” … Not exactly.

In his book The Adverse Childhood Experience (A.C.E.) Recovery Workbook, Dr. Glenn Shiraldi explains that nearly all of us have experienced the kind of painful moments that leave us in cycles of shame memories. These are what Dr. Shiraldi describes as “endless battles that we fight against our histories.” You find yourself constantly replaying out that awful conversation in your head, defending yourself when you couldn’t in the moment, or emotionally torturing yourself with the memories of humiliation. These “endless battles” are like a quicksand we become incapable of climbing out of, so we try to distract ourselves or tell ourselves to not think about them anymore.

The A.C.E. Recovery Workbook compares this to imagining the most delectable chocolate cupcake you’ve ever had…the spongy cake, the decadent frosting…and then trying to make yourself stop thinking about that cupcake by telling yourself to stop thinking about that cupcake. It’s impossible! Our brains don’t let us boss them around like that. In fact, the harder we work to fight a memory, the deeper it is absorbed and the more emotionally charged it becomes.
Our brains need to find a new way to cope.

Distraction Action

If we can’t shake the memory, we often try to numb the memory. This is when the effects of Trauma begins to bleed into our daily lives, our relationships, and our habits. We over-shop, over-sleep, over-work, over-commit and in turn, we form rhythms that threaten our well-being, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Instead of numbing our pain, Dr. Shiraldi’s book encourages us to engage with the pain in a new way that allows us to make peace with it. 

By remembering the moments of shame in our lives with a kindness…as you would an old friend who has accidentally wronged you, you can practice defusing techniques that enable you to live with painful memories instead of being dictated by them. Remembering the things that hurt and instead of giving them power, learning to take their power from them, is a practice that can ultimately halt your shame cycle and get you out of the rut. Check out the Put It Into Practice section below for a creative way to do this.

Verified Reliable Sources for The Content in this Article: Schiraldi, Glenn R. The Adverse Childhood Experiences Recovery Workbook: Heal the Hidden Wounds from Childhood Affecting Your Adult Mental and Physical Health. New Harbinger Publications, 2021.

Put It Into Practice

Dr. Shiraldi guides his readers through various ways of engaging painful memories.

One defusing technique encourages his reader to pick a name or insult that has been particularly painful over any length of time. Say that particular phrase or name as many times as you can in 45 seconds. Next, close your eyes and imagine that insult walking through your living room door. Welcome it…not with anger or mere tolerance…but with warmth and kindness. Be aware of physical cues. Relax your body, soften your muscles. Now, with a loving, hospitable attitude, repeat that name or phrase as many times as you can in 45 seconds. 
Has your perception of the insult changed? 

Professional therapy and therapeutic techniques can be hugely beneficial as you walk towards releasing the traumatic memories that have you locked in shame.
Hope & Healing is here to help. 

Other Articles About Trauma