Do Attachment Styles Affect Your Friendships? (Spoiler: they definitely do)
Attachment Style Affects….Everything
Attachment is so widely discussed and written about because it truly is one of the most fundamental pieces of our overall mental health. How we see, treat, and respond to other people tells us something about our past, and informs our current social habits. To fully understand someone is to understand, in part, who they are around other people. Let’s recap the attachment styles real quick to refresh ourselves.
Secure Attachment
The positive attachment style means that someone had a caregiver who responded well when, as a child, they would become distraught or irritable. Hunger was met with nourishment, disappointments with encouragement and pain with pity. The child became to expect proper responses and found the caregiver to be consistent and nurturing.
Want to take a deeper dive into Attachment Styles?
Click here to get a simple explanation of each of the four attachment styles.
Insecure Attachment
The negative attachment style falls into three categories: anxious-preoccupied, dismissing-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Each of these styles reflects the affects of having a caregiver who did not respond well or consistently when distress was expressed.
What’s Friendship Got to Do with It?
In truth, the attachment styles we formed before we were even aware of them determine a great deal about the relationships we form throughout the remainder of our lives. People with secure attachment can find healthy ways to bond to others, be emotionally available when a friend is upset, and stabilize relationships in conflict. But those with insecure attachment styles can have difficulties in these areas. It’s important to note that healing is always possible. Therapy can help patients overcome their natural relational tendencies and find ways of finding and restoring healthy friendships. So as you read these descriptions, find grace for yourself and your friends. Knowing attachment styles can help us relate and love one another better.
The Anxious- Preoccupied Friend
Those who have the anxious-preoccupied style tend to be plagued with insecurities within a friendship. They may be clingy or needy, requiring much more physical or emotional connection than most people and they may often find themselves disappointed with the level of commitment they get from others. These friends may also be drawn to others who promise to serve them. They can fall into cycles of over-thinking and may suffer from low self-esteem as they look for fulfillment in others. These friends may often need to be reminded of their true value.
The Dismissive-Avoidant Friend
These friends can come across as if they’ve got everything together. They may appear self-sufficient and independent but in fact push away potentially intimate relationships to avoid a close emotional connection. Shutting down emotionally may be their go-to move during conflict or loss. Even though these types of people may seem to not care about having close relationships, every human requires friendship and so it’s important to not let these friends self-isolate.
The Fearful-Avoidant Friend
This type of negative attachment style is relatively rare with only about 5% of the population identifying as Fearful-Avoidant. These friends may feel torn between needing their own space and wanting a close friendship. Their emotions often control them and while they may want to resist intimacy in one moment, they may cling to their friends the next. Rejection may make them feel clingy and insecure. These friends may need to be loved well within a healthy boundary so that their emotions don’t wreck havoc on the relationship.
How about your friendships?
We’ve all got our own struggles in relationships. Now is always the right time to start rethinking what kind of friend you are and what kind of friend you can be. Whether or not you believe you have a secure or insecure attachment yourself, you can begin to seek health for all of your friendships. You may think that some friendships are too unhealthy to nurture, but after understanding the true catalyst behind how your friend behaves, you may find more grace for them than you thought possible. Attachment styles help us understand each other better but they are not who we are. Remind yourself and your friends that often.
Verified Reliable Sources for The Content in this Article:
• Attachment, Friendship, and Psychosocial Functioning in Early Adolescence published in the National Library of Medicine
• How Different Attachment Styles Affect Relationships published in Psychology Today
Put It Into Practice
A little reflection goes a long way when it comes to being intentional about your relationships. Think through the scenarios below, and consider if you have ever encountered similar interactions with your friends. Did you respond in a healthy way? Knowing how to handle those wrinkles that come in any relationship can make a big difference when conflicts arise.
1. The Anxious-Preoccupied friend becomes needy and insecure, requiring constant attention and overwhelming you.
Healthy Response: Now is the time to remind your friend of their true identity. They are not just your friend…they are first and foremost a beloved child of God. They don’t need others for fulfillment and even when finding themselves alone, they need not worry about their status with you or anyone else. They are valuable and loved.
2. The Dismissive-Avoidant Friend self-isolates and disappears.
Healthy Response: Don’t push your friend toward community but be a gentle, consistent presence in their life. Show up and don’t give up, even when they struggle to reciprocate your affection.
3. The Fearful-Avoidant Friend is inconsistent and feels unstable.
Healthy Response: Loving this friend well may mean a commitment to not being tossed about by their emotional waves. Offer them friendship steadily, no matter what their response is and remind them that you are there for them, no matter what.
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