Have You Been Here Before?

You’re in the thick of it…you feel hurt or betrayed or unjustly treated and the words begin to tumble out. You say something you regret or maybe you start another fire. Or perhaps those words stay in, simmer, and bubble up, disturbing your inner peace and your mental health. Conflict can cost so much. Physically, mentally, and emotionally “being in a fight” can put wear and tear on our intimate relationships like nothing else. 

But perhaps there are better ways to approach those inevitable differences and hurts. While modern psychology is not able to identify the best practice for ALL conflict, we do know what types of resolutions we want to see from disagreements…mutually beneficial solutions that keep both parties engaged, trusting of the other, and satisfied with the results. So how do we find the best way to disagree? At first glance it may seem that there are only two options when we don’t see eye to eye: Indirect Opposition and Direct Opposition.

Indirect Opposition

Most of us have engaged in indirect opposition at some point. It’s that good old-fashioned passive-aggressiveness that keeps us coy even when we’re hurt. When we induce feelings of guilt in our loved one, manipulate their feelings, and make our disappointments known in round-about ways, we’ve opposed them “indirectly”. It’s the trick of making our needs known without speaking them truthfully. This form of communication is one of the less effective ways to communicate with anyone, but some of us fall back on it habitually in order to avoid direct conflict. 

Direct Opposition

Those who communicate directly with their partner can exhibit some of the most healthy communication patterns. After all, it’s best to get to the point when it comes to offenses so that we can clear the air and move on, right? But research shows that direct opposition can also thwart healing if it’s used the wrong way.

Studies show that while direct opposition can push a relationship towards resolution effectively during more serious or weighty conflict, using it in lesser arguments can be discouraging and defeating. For example, your partner’s spending habits are leading to serious financial challenges. It’s time to sit down and have a frank discussion about hurt, fear, and insecurities, and determine a path towards healing. Direct opposition can lead to freedom and resolution. But let’s say your partner forgot a simple household chore. Now’s not the time to sit down over coffee and pour out your disappointment. In fact, doing so will only lead to further conflict. Knowing when even the best kind of communication should be used is key to maintaining a healthy relationship. 

The Alternative Option

As you might have guessed, there’s a third better option: Indirect Cooperation.

This one sounds a little confusing, doesn’t it? But indirect cooperation can be important to building love and trust in your relationship. This type of communication softens the blow of conflict by using humor, affection, and positivity. Being willing to see the best aspects in your partner even during moments of hurt can develop further trust and intimacy. Afterall, remember that the goal of conflict is to better understand where the other person is coming from, and land on solutions that are mutually beneficial and foster trust.

The keys to beneficial communication are twofold: being committed to compromise during a disagreement, and being a safe place to land.

Of course, it’s important to be able to navigate which conflicts require more direct communication, but indirect cooperation is often the healing balm of conflict resolution during the long road of a lasting relationship. Typically, far more conflicts can be handled with indirect cooperation than with serious direct communication.

Experts encourage couples that the keys to beneficial communication are twofold: being committed to compromise during a disagreement, and being a safe place to land. Returning to safety and comfort in the relationship insures that both partners are protected and loved, and the best conflict resolution will always value and engage both partners. One thing is always certain: storms will always arise in relationships. But satisfied couples who can engage in conflict and find their way out are built to weather those storms.

Verified Reliable Sources for the Content in This Article: National Library of Medicine and Jeremy Sutton, Ph.D. for Positive Psychology

Put It Into Practice

Whatever your natural style of relationship communication, chances are you have some work to do in effectively approaching conflict in your relationships, and the best time to learn about conflict resolution is always before it arises!

Be ready to win….with your partner. Approach your next conflict with the posture of wanting a win for both of you. Actively seeking your partner’s satisfaction will help you see things from their perspective far more quickly.

Listen well. Is your loved one saying something by not saying it? Try to understand what emotions they’re feeling, where they’re coming from, and what they may be scared to say. Kindly encourage their honesty.

Be up for brainstorming. Tackling problems together is the best way to find a satisfying solution for both of you. Engage your loved one and ask what they think should happen next.

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