From Strained Conflict to Stronger Connection

Unexpected Warning Signs

Did you know therapists agree that two of the most concerning warning signs in relationships are: 1. Lack of conflict, and 2. Aggressive, unresolved conflict. The interesting (and perhaps scary) thing about conflict is that it is necessary for healthy relationships!

Married? You’ll need to experience conflict.
Parenting? You’ll definitely experience conflict.
Parented? Conflict.
Employed: Yep.
Befriended? Absolutely.

Conflict is everywhere. It’s part of the human experience and in any relationship that matters, it’s completely unavoidable. We won’t all see eye to eye every single day. Even our most compatible people will make decisions we wouldn’t make, respond in ways we detest, or develop little habits that drive us up the wall. The beautiful thing about it, though, is that this thing that makes your relationship more work can be the very thing that makes it stronger.

The beautiful thing is that conflict can be the very thing that makes your relationship stronger.

Families that avoid conflict and do not address anger issues (or even minor disagreements) are setting themselves up for unhealthy relationships and future trauma. Whereas families who are outwardly brutal, critical, or abusive to one another are obviously headed straight for disaster. Research shows that the trick is all about embracing the conflict that organically comes along and learning to resolve it. 

So How Do We Fight Right?

Transparency is key

When we’re fighting “under the surface” or in hiding, our behavior can negatively affect our loved ones. Parents who never disagree or argue in front of their families can’t teach their children how to resolve conflict in marriage. Parents who are always secretly fighting may see their kiddos act up as an expression of their knowledge that conflict is happening in the home behind closed doors. The best way to teach our children how to handle conflict well is by setting the example. While children certainly don’t need to know every detail of their parents’ arguments, being open about the existence of conflict in healthy, normative ways can grow the entire family closer as they overcome obstacles and learn to love one another better.

Not Wrong All the Time

We see the best results in all relational conflict when both parties can understand that they are part of the problem. The other person is not always bad. And the other person is not always wrong. When we begin to tell ourselves and believe these falsehoods, conflict will get all negative all the time. 

Repair and Repeat

It’s also important for us to accept and receive the consequences of our behavior in a conflict. Saying something hurtful may make our loved one, peer, or friend pull away from us for a period of time. Just as a disobedient child may need to experience a consequence of their poor choices, adults often have to deal with the result of their anger. Respecting those natural consequences is a huge part of repair in the process of conflict resolution. 

Two Little Words

It’s no secret that apologies go a long way in conflict. Of course, we all need actions that back up that apology. But being able to verbally process your guilt with the one you hurt is a major step towards relational appreciation and maturity. So approach all conflicts knowing that you may need to apologize for your part in the disagreement, even if you are fully expecting your loved one to do the same.

Next time someone crosses you at home, the office, or within a friendship, choose to take a deep breath and approach the situation with humility and transparency. By employing the best tools at our disposal and extending the grace we would like to receive, we have the opportunity to transform strained relationships into ones that emerge stronger and better than before. Let’s seize these moments as catalysts for growth, forging bonds that are more resilient, authentic, and fulfilling.

Verified Reliable Sources for the Content in This Article: “The Positive Value of Conflict: The Power of Resolution” by Eugene Beresin, M.D., M.A.

Put It Into Practice

Start small habits of grace today.

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The world is full of conflict these days. Imagine if we all handled our disagreements–nations and political figures alike–ready to appreciate our differences, be tolerant of others’ perspectives, ready to apologize, and with the ability to care for each other even if things don’t work out perfectly. Prepare yourself to embrace these practices the next time someone frustrates you on a small, everyday scale. As your gentleness and patience builds in small conflicts, you’ll find yourself more tolerant when big issues arise.

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