The Subtle Upheaval of the Shame Game
Recap: Little ‘t’ versus Big ‘T’
Trauma comes in all shapes and sizes. Some trauma is the “Capital T” trauma of what soldiers encounter during war or what victims of physical abuse experience. Other trauma is “little t” trauma…the ongoing situations that bring stress or feelings of hopelessness to our daily lives. It’s important to note the difference because, even though there is a significant contrast between these two types of trauma, they are both traumatic in their own ways. Just because you may not have experienced one life-changing event from which stems all of your mental health struggles, it does not mean that you are not impacted daily by some little ‘t’ trauma that trips you up and carries you down a slippery slope of anxiety or self-loathing. Naming the sources of that trauma can help get you back on the path of healing.
The Shame Game
Most of us walk around with some kind of misunderstanding about who we really are. You may have been told you weren’t good at something that felt important to us as a young child. You may have been overlabled as “the good one” or “the sloppy one” in your family of origin, until you believed that to be part of your identity. Or perhaps your frequent accidents as a child were met with complete disdain from your caregiver. Instead of disappointment being expressed over your mistake, disappointment was expressed over your character. That’s the breakdown between guilt and shame.
For example:
Little Susie spills her milk while playing at the table. Her mother sighs, asks her to be more careful, and guides her to a kitchen towel to help clean up. Susie experiences a tinge of healthy guilt that causes her to apologize, cheerfully clean up, and make an effort to be more careful when she returns to her play.
Little Susie spills her milk while playing at the table. Her mother sighs, lectures her on why she is the least responsible child in the family, and how she’ll never get any better. As her mother tells her that part of who she is is an irresponsible person, Susie begins to see this as part of her identity. As she is shamed for her mistake, those words from her mom begin to reshape her self-worth.
In short, guilt implies an often appropriate feeling of regret when you’ve messed up. Shame is a deeper, more damaging emotion that causes you to regret who you are.
I’m Walking Around in Shame…Now What?
“When it comes to trauma, the body keeps the score. However, our minds hide the score. Trauma can become deeply ingrained in our psyche, far away from our conscious mind. If not addressed, the hurts that are held in these deep spaces can allow shame and guilt to become a part of our identities.”
Michelle Jacobs (LMSW),
Therapist at Hope & Healing
The trauma of shame can cause upheaval in every area of life. You may doubt your relationships, be unable to commit to things for fear of failure, or you may even experience physical symptoms that keep you from resting or experiencing lasting joy or peace. But there is always hope for health. Whether or not your shame comes from childhood or from situations you’ve regretted later in life, therapeutic treatments can help you meet the source of your shame head on, reframe the emotions those memories stir up, and move forward. The path to wholeness often involves finding compassion for yourself and bestowing yourself with a new, truer identity; from feelings of worthlessness to feeling worthwhile, from incapable to able, from weak to strong, from unkind to kind. The truth is, you do not need to be defined by your past. And shame has no place in your future.
Verified Reliable Sources for The Content in this Article: Schiraldi, Glenn R. The Adverse Childhood Experiences Recovery Workbook: Heal the Hidden Wounds from Childhood Affecting Your Adult Mental and Physical Health. New Harbinger Publications, 2021.
Put It Into Practice
Find a comfortable place to sit for a moment of meditation.
Think of a time you were humiliated or shamed for something you did: someone may have spoken discouraging words over you or perhaps you spoke them over yourself. Regardless, notice what kind of physical reactions you had when you were shamed. As a grown up who is capable of and currently pursuing health, speak words of truth over your younger self. What good characteristics do you see in yourself? What gifts and strengths can you encourage? Note how your body relaxes and warms as you speak life over yourself. That’s where healing begins. How can you speak those words of life over someone else today as well?
