Never Say Always (And Other Mistakes You're Probably Making When Arguing)

We’re back with our series The Good Fight, where we dive into different tools and tips to help you navigate conflict in a way that’s healthy rather than harmful, and productive rather than destructive. Today, we’re talking about the power of words, and how to choose them wisely—specifically, words like “never” and “always.” 

“You Never Help Out with the Dishes”

Doesn’t that sentence immediately put you on edge? And why is that, exactly? Well, for starters, it feels more like an outburst or a reaction than a thoughtful response to a situation that, if true, would indeed be frustrating. It’s certainly not a question to which the other party can reply; neither is it a request for help (at least, not a direct one). This sentence puts us on edge because it’s an accusation, and an all-encompassing, universal one at that: “You never help out with the dishes.” 
How many times have we said something like this? Or been on the receiving end of it? It can feel defeating, and is likely to provoke a defensive, or equally-accusational, response. 

Wielding “always” and “never” as weapons in an argument is like intentionally turning down a dead-end street.

The Problem with Always and Never 

Wielding “always” and “never” as weapons in an argument is like intentionally turning down a dead-end street. It stalls the conversation at best and, at worst, takes you down a path neither party actually wants to go. The problem with “always” and “never” is that they are almost always (notice the almost!) unfair, because they are often untrue. And even when they are true—opting to throw them in the face of a loved one is pretty much guaranteed to be unhelpful. 

Often Unfair and Untrue

Most of the time (again, not all of the time), “always” and “never” are unfair because they are untrue. Let’s say your husband is responsible for taking out the trash, and he’s been slacking for the past few weeks (likely due to working longer hours and being preoccupied with stress from work). And let’s say you let this go on unaddressed for a couple months. Another Thursday morning rolls around, and the trash truck comes and goes—while your bins remain full and not at the curb. In a moment of frustration, it might be tempting to say something like, “You never take the trash out.” 

But is that true? Perhaps you haven’t seen the time or two he has taken the trash out in the past few weeks. Never means “not ever,” as in, not once in the history of, well… ever! And is that fair to say?

(Almost) Always Unhelpful 

Even if it becomes true over time that your spouse “never” takes the trash out, surely there’s a more inquisitive, more empathetic, and less defeating way to call that to their attention. Hearing a loved one say something like, “You never do _____,” or “You always do _____,” sounds a lot like being told that you’re a failure who can “never” do anything right, and that your intention is to always hurt your loved one. Who wants to hear something like that? Even if “always” and “never” is true, it’s almost always unhelpful to weaponize these words in conflict. 

Put It Into Practice

If a family member or roommate isn’t helping out with the dishes like they committed to, try this instead:

Can we talk about the dishes? It seems to me recently that I’ve mostly been carrying the load. Do you feel the same? If so, is there any particular reason you’ve struggled to do your part in this area? If not, can you tell me what I’m missing?

If one of your employees is regularly late for work: 

I’m beginning to notice a pattern of tardiness at work. Is there anything going on that’s making it difficult to get to work on time? What can you do to be more punctual? Please let me know if I can help.

If a family member or roommate continues parking their car behind yours, blocking you in when you’re usually the first one to leave the house:

I’ve noticed that you often park your car behind mine, and I am usually the first one to leave in the mornings. I know that this is an inconvenient situation for both of us. Can we come up with a solution together?

______

This week, try cutting out “always” and “never” in a negative sense, and looking instead for a way to use one of these words to encourage or celebrate someone you love.

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Luke Lewallen, Mental Health Counselor