The Way You Talk to Yourself Matters

The whole idea of talking to yourself is a little unsettling. But the reality is that we all talk to ourselves—all day long. Whether out loud (“Where are my keys? Why can’t I ever keep track of my stuff? I’m going to be late!”) or in our heads (“Why would I say that? That was so awkward!), we often fail to realize that we talk to ourselves (and about ourselves) far more than anyone else does. So, let’s take a look at how we can harness the power of that self-talk for good.

If you think back to our last article in our All About Attachment series, you may remember the bike shop example. In this scenario, an adult who grew up with a verbally abusive caregiver (and, as a result, left home with an insecure attachment style) avoids situations where his/her ignorance on a subject matter could provoke the hostility or mockery of another. So, though this person longs to walk inside a local bike shop and start riding, the possibility of being talked down to by an expert in the shop feels too risky, and the negative self-talk begins … eventually leading to the would-be bike rider quitting before the adventure could even begin. But what if the real “battlefield” isn’t in the bike shop at all? And what if the real “war” is won not with brazen fearlessness or the suppression of emotion but with truth and love?

Learn to Be Your Own Best Friend—Not Your Own Worst Enemy 

Retired Navy Seal Marcus Luttrell, whose actions in June 2005 against Taliban fighters inspired the movie Lone Survivor, said, “The real battle is won in the mind.” Sun Tzu, the legendary Chinese military strategist who wrote The Art of War, said, “All warfare is based on deception.” And Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.” 

What do we get when we put these three ideas together? 

1. The battle is far more “in here” than “out there.”

2. The war in my mind is a war of lies vs. truth.

3. Love is the weapon that will bring me the peace I’m looking for. 

The Power of Truth and Love

One of the New Testament writers said it best: growth and maturity comes through speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). We must have both. As Timothy Keller wrote, “Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it.”
In your everyday dialogue with yourself– when you’re frustrated with yourself for running late, when you say something that you wish you could take back, when you’re with a friend who triggers some of your deep-seated insecurities, etc. – observe your thoughts (without judgment) and ask two questions:

1. Is what I’m thinking true? Is it the whole truth?

2. Is what I’m thinking loving? Would I say this to a friend? 

When you’re discouraged by what you observe, don’t beat yourself up; you’ve just encountered an opportunity for growth! 
So, how do you want to speak to yourself instead? How might you communicate truth to yourself, tempered by love, so that you might receive exactly what you need to grow?

Sources & References for The Content in this Article: National Geographic, Bible Gateway, Good Reads x Sun Tzu, Good Reads x Tim Keller, Bustle

Put It Into Practice

One of the best ways you can “be your own friend” is by speaking the truth to yourself in love. When lies invade your internal feedback loop, instead of fueling or engaging in a dialogue with what’s false, simply “change the channel,” as John Mark Comer says, and replace what’s false with what’s true.

Instead of:
I’ll never pursue my dreams because it’s too risky. I’ll probably fail anyway, so I’m better off sticking with what’s familiar and comfortable.

Try:
What if I didn’t fail? What’s the worst that could happen—and how likely is that, really? On my deathbed, will I regret not trying this? What’s one small step I can take today, this week, this month, or this year towards that job, hobby, business venture, creative project, or far-off place I’ve always been drawn towards? 

____

Instead of:
I’ll never learn. I’m always going to repeat the same old mistakes again and again.

Try:
I’ve learned plenty so far in life, and that’s evidenced by the changes in habit and lifestyle I’ve made. Learning will take time, and I won’t always get it right, but I can make progress. 

____

Instead of:
I look so ugly. I’m getting fat, and everyone will notice and look down on me.

Try:
I don’t look how I’m used to looking, but that doesn’t make me ugly. Weight gain and fluctuation is a normal part of life. People are unlikely to notice, and even if they do, my value isn’t found in what I look like or what others think of me. I’m loveable, and I can show myself kindness each day. 

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