You vs. You: How to Win the War With Yourself

When the Fight is Inside Your Own Head 

Welcome back to the Good Fight Series, where we’re equipping you with tools to cultivate healthy conflict in your relationships. In past articles, we’ve talked through how to deal with external conflict—that is, a disagreement or point of tension between you and another person or group. But what happens when the person you’re fighting with is… you? 

Defining Terms: What is Internal Conflict? 

The phrase “internal conflict” is often used in the context of literature and “involves a psychological struggle that takes place within a character, caused by their own emotions, fears, conflicting desires, or mental illnesses.” Despite this fiction-focus, we all experience internal conflict with some regularity.

Minor Internal Conflict

Thankfully, internal conflict is often minor. For example: perhaps Andre wants Greek food for lunch, but it’ll cost him more than a burger from a local fast food joint. The Greek meal is healthier, and he’ll feel better after eating it, but it’s more expensive and less efficient than the drive-thru. It’s unlikely that this moment of internal conflict will be a source of great anguish or disruption in Andre’s life. He’ll likely run a cost-benefit-analysis, make a decision, and go about his day. 

Major Internal Conflict

The stakes are higher for someone like Avery, who’s torn between staying or leaving her job in healthcare. She’s been there two years and makes good money, but she’s increasingly regretful that she succumbed to family pressures to pursue something more stable than her lifelong dream of a film career. She’s still paying off student loans, and though she’s not exactly miserable in her work, she envies her friends who sacrificed status and wealth to do what they love. She feels that she only has two options, and neither is ideal. 

The Either-Or Fallacy

When facing internal conflict, it’s common to commit the either-or fallacy, as Avery has done: “Either I can stay in healthcare and kiss my dreams goodbye, or I can quit my job and risk financial ruin to do what I love.” But is it so black and white?

The American Psychological Association says it this way: The either-or fallacy “ignores the possibility that (a) the alternatives may not be mutually exclusive and (b) there may be other equally viable alternatives.” For Avery, thinking outside this fallacy might look like putting a potential career change (even if it’s years down the road) on the table as an option and enrolling in an online film class while remaining in her current job. She could also travel to a film festival she’s always longed to attend or start seeing a therapist to work through the role of her family’s expectations on her decision making. The point is: she’s not stuck or doomed. She simply needs to think outside the box.

What about you? Are you experiencing any major internal conflict? If so, have you fallen into the either-or fallacy? Try asking yourself if the two extremes in your mind are truly mutually exclusive, and spend some time brainstorming some “other equally viable alternatives.”

Verified Reliable Sources for The Content in this Article: World Literacy Foundation, American Psychological Association

Put It Into Practice

Avoiding the either-or fallacy is easier on paper than it is in practice. Here are some ways to broaden your perspective when you find yourself stuck between a rock and a hard place:

Seek outside input.
We all have our blind spots, especially when it comes to ourselves. If it seems that you have to choose between two undesirable options, seek out a friend, colleague, mentor, or counselor to consider the predicament from their point of view. Sometimes, there really are only two options, but often, life isn’t so simple. Regardless, consulting others is a great way to gain clarity and move forward with confidence.

Spend time journaling.
Writing is a tried-and-true method to slow down your thoughts and evaluate problems with fresh eyes. Consider responding to a few reflection questions, such as, “If I could do anything with no chance of failure, what would I do?” or “On my deathbed, what will I most regret doing or not doing?” or “If I did x, what do I hope—or fear—would happen?” Spend some time listing out all the potential outcomes you foresee before committing to a certain course of action. 

Make time to read.
Studies show that readers are capable of greater imagination, more complex and nuanced thought, and heightened empathy—all three of which are essential for navigating internal conflict well. It may seem like an indirect action step, but making a habit of reading will open your mind to new possibilities, decrease your likelihood of falling into the either-or fallacy, and help you treat yourself with kindness when you’re struggling and feeling stuck.

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Luke Lewallen, Mental Health Counselor