3 Hidden Secrets of Great Conflict Resolution

Bad Blood

Most relationships see conflict at some point…the small disagreements or irritations that build up over time, or the one perspective that seemingly cannot be shared. Not unlike a tectonic plate shifting beneath the earth’s surface that creates a crevice or even a canyon, conflict naturally separates us, even if for a short amount of time. We become aware of our differences, usually hurt or offended by the lack of sympathy, perspective, or care, and we find ourselves in opposition from the other person. Left alone, conflict can bubble and simmer and divide us for lifetimes. But handled, conflict can draw us closer, create vulnerability, and build stronger bonds. Bad blood may be inevitable but it certainly doesn’t have to be forever.

Better Than Revenge

1) Getting closer (not getting even) should be the goal of all conflict resolution.

Learning when to say, “Enough. We have to talk this out.” is a skill that takes time to learn, patience, and lots of grace for the person you are in disagreement with. But it’s that knowledge that can propel your relationship towards healing. If you feel like a conflict is beginning to manifest in your relationship, trying asking yourself a few questions to determine whether or not this is an issue worth talking through:

• Is this disagreement changing my affection towards this person?

• Am I stewing on our conflict or able to let it go, chalk it up to personality differences, etc.?

• Do I find myself getting angry around this person or seeking isolation from them? 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, a sit down is probably the best way to seek resolution. Any relationship worth having is one worth working through conflict. So create a plan for healing and then invite your friend to engage in that with you.

You Need to Calm Down 

2) Take some deep breaths.

If you and your friend are both people of faith, consider asking them to pray with you before you begin your conflict resolution. Seek a spirit of calm, knowing that even if hurtful things are said about you, your identity does not lie in how others perceive you. Prepare yourself to be humbled but also remind yourself of the truths of the situation. Resolution means a mending of the relationship and a true mending cannot happen if anyone feels belittled, abused, humiliated, or criticized. Start by making sure your friend knows that you are listening to what they say and that you are making yourself fully present to understand, receive, and move forward in the relationship.

...Ready for it?

3) Get curious about your conflict.

How did it arise? Why do you feel offended, hurt, or betrayed? How does your friend feel? What is making this difference of opinion difficult to get through? Write down good questions and walk through them with your friend, giving them ample time to respond and ask questions themselves. 

Everything has Changed

Conflict resolution doesn’t have to look like both parties in agreement. In fact, it most likely won’t. Resolution will look like both parties ready to accept each other, learn from the mistakes they’ve made, and commit to practicing kindness even in the midst of disagreement. Even when it’s hard to face conflict head on, practicing resolution will draw you closer to your friend and make it easier to talk the next time a disconnection occurs.

Verified Reliable Sources for the Content in This Article: Psychology Today

Put It Into Practice

Identity is key.
So often we experience disconnection with friends and colleagues because we feel misunderstood or unseen. If you find yourself in conflict, go the extra step to make sure the other party feels acknowledged. Give them a sense of identity by looking at them in the eye, responding to their concerns verbally and emotionally, and speaking to them with kindness and respect. If you are the offended party, gently ask that they do the same for you. Don’t be afraid to tell them you feel unacknowledged or disregarded in your position. 

Remembering your identity and that of your friend’s can lend grace to your conflict and help you see what is really happening, what needs to be restored, and how much the relationship means to you. 

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