Where's the line between reasonable regret and overwhelming shame?
Addiction’s Cycle of Regret
The cycle of addiction and shame can be a complicated pattern that bogs down patients in recovery. In fact, because addiction of any kind causes harm to not only the abuser but often to those closest to them, navigating appropriate levels of remorse without becoming weighed down with paralyzing shame can seem impossible. How does anyone decide what is “enough” regret? How do you know when you’ve become too overcome with shame to move on with your life and put the past behind you? Truthfully, the boundary lines between reasonable regret and overwhelming shame could get blurred quickly. But research shows that self-forgiveness is absolutely key to recovery. Even in sobriety, addiction can be a destructive force that tears relationships apart and hammers away at self-worth if self-forgiveness isn’t exercised. Granting yourself forgiveness and permitting your journey to recovery from addiction (and the harm you've caused others) paves the way for profound healing, which benefits both you and your loved ones.
Guilt or Shame?
These principles hold true both for those in recovery, and for people who aren’t in recovery, but are simply wanting healthier relationships. The first step to fully forgiving yourself may be defining what emotion you experience when you begin to feel sorry for the problems in your life. Do you feel guilt? Guilt is an emotion that comes from regret and calls for repentance…the apologizing for harm and doing something different next time. Guilt is oftentimes healthy when we’ve done something wrong. It alarms us of the trouble we’ve caused and urges us to mend broken relationships. It’s healthy to experience guilt when anyone hurts someone else. It’s the driving force towards reconciliation and it dissipates when we’ve been offered and accepted true forgiveness.
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Guilt is an emotion that comes from regret and calls for repentance…shame threatens to define us as unworthy of love or hope.
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Shame, however, is another animal altogether. Shame threatens to redefine who we are at our core. It tells us that we cannot escape the harmful cycle we’re in, and threatens to define us as a shameful individual, unworthy of love or hope. Shame keeps us in dangerous cycles that may even stir up our addictions or self-harming behaviors since we can no longer see ourselves as redeemable people. Shame can be so overwhelming that it makes apologizing feel impossible and causes us to believe we can never do better. Research shows that women more easily fall into shame cycles, as they’re more likely to compare themselves to other women or feel unworthy of “getting better.” But men can certainly experience paralyzing shame too, stunting their recovery and making sobriety feel impossible.
If you’re experiencing shame, you’ve let the past dictate your future. It’s time to get out of the cycle and step into a pattern of self-forgiveness.
Tap here for a deeper dive on the important differences between shame and guilt.
Acceptance
Understanding that “what’s done is done” is key to working towards self-forgiveness. There’s no time travel in this life. People may have been hurt by your actions and you may have battled addiction for far too long. Accepting those truths without trying to change them is integral. Breathe them in and breathe them out. You are who you are because of and in spite of what you’ve been through. Realizing it’s time to move on will help you do just that.
The Voice In Your Head
Not being able to offer yourself forgiveness can seem like the right thing to do, but it’s actually only hurting you in the long run. Learning to change the narrative is imperative to keep you from always putting yourself down as you embark on the journey to recovery. And what makes you any less deserving of encouragement or hope? Hint: Nothing. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone continues to make mistakes. And every single one of us is capable of receiving forgiveness.
Try to practice some daily disciplines as you learn to seek self-forgiveness:
Remind yourself constantly that you are doing your best. It’s the best you can do.
Ask God to help you see His goodness and mercy in your life every day.
Speak with compassion…to yourself and others. Learning that judgment is not yours to give helps you practice forgiveness with yourself and everyone else more easily.
Be kind to yourself as you learn to move forward, and don’t let the past trip you up. Self-forgiveness may be hard fought for, but it may also be one of the best victories you witness in life!
Put It Into Practice
Think about the things your inner self is saying on a daily basis and train yourself to think better, do better and say better to yourself.____
In fact, instead of self-criticizing, think of yourself as a friend or your own child. What would you say to a loved one who was in the same battle you face? How would you respond to their doubt and self-loathing? Instead of, “You can’t do this. It’s too hard.” train your inner dialogue to be more positive. If it helps you remember, write down good responses for the moments you feel bullied by your inner monologue. Practice saying these things to yourself in a mirror. Rehearse them until they become the most natural response in your head.
“You have everything you need to make good decisions.”
“You are capable and strong.”
“You are worthy of a good life.”
“You have the support you need.”
“You are healing.”
Other Interesting Reads about Recovery
Verified Reliable Sources for the Content in This Article: “The Importance of Self-Forgiveness In Recovery” via Anchored Tides Recovery