What do your relationships have in common with velcro?
Some Things Don’t Have to be Permanent
Velcro is a miracle product because it graciously tells you, “It’s ok if you don’t get it right the first time! It’s ok to un-do the strap and reattach it in a way that will be more helpful for you.” Thankfully, our relationships can be the same way. Isn’t that a great thing to be reminded of?
In the world of Psychology, we can often look at the “how-it-happened” theories, the definitions, and the diagnoses and feel pretty bleak. If you’ve been following our All About Attachment series, you’ve been introduced to the various types of attachment theories and you probably have found yourself identifying with one of them. You may even see your significant other or close family member in one of the attachment styles as well. It can be so helpful to understand where we’re all coming from and how we got here. But if your childhood was less than ideal or the place you find yourself with your spouse is broken, it can also feel hopeless to survey the landscape, regardless of how you got there.
Take heart. There is hope for your healing. There is always a way to improve the way you attach to others.
Beginning the Road to Healthy Attachment
In Frozen II, Olaf sings the song “When I’m Older”, in which he assures himself that even though crazy, inexplicable, downright terrifying things are happening all around him, it will all make perfect sense when he matures. Adults watching the scene always laugh because we know that is simply not true. Sometimes things just aren’t right and they will confuse and humble and hurt us. When it comes to doing the work of healing the wounds of insecure attachment from your past, just acknowledging that you have experienced unhealthy attachment in past relationships can be half the battle.
Becoming aware of your attachment style is also part of healing from unhealthy past attachments. Therapy can help you create a full narrative of your relational limitations so that you can move forward in developing secure attachments. Many times you may find that not only what you experienced as a child affected your attachment practices, but how those events were explained to you by your parent or caregiver were just as impactful. Reevaluating those events as an adult may give you a new perspective.
Making Amends
We all need to mend things every now and then. If you find yourself in a broken relationship and you’ve been able to identify the part your attachment style plays in the mess, it may be time to reveal what you’ve learned with the other party. This is a big part of “un-doing the velcro” that your past hurts may have caused in your current relationships. Telling your full side of the story and sharing your perspective (however broken it may be) will allow you to enter fully and vulnerably into that relationship in a new way with healthy perspective and begin to “re-attach the velcro” of that relationship in a healthier way. Talk with your therapist about how to do this in an appropriate, self-honoring way. As with all honest discussions, this may be a difficult step but it will be worth doing to preserve the important relationships in your life. How good to know that being fully known can allow you to be more fully loved! This is exactly what God offers us as His children…a fully personal relationship that is ultimately the most gracious, forgiving, and loving relationship we will ever experience…regardless of how anyone else in our life responds to us.
Verified Reliable Sources for The Content in this Article: Dr. Debra Campbell at Mind Body Green, Medical News Today, Dr. Lisa Firestone at Psychology Today
Put It Into Practice
Take note of the relationships in your life that need re-attachment in the future.
Pace yourself as you take stock. Not everything needs to or can be mended within the coming weeks, months, or even year. Oftentimes, the other party will also need to work on healing in their own personal way.
Be kind to yourself.
Show some grace to yourself as you look into your past and identify what attachment style you have developed and why. You are beloved. As you do the hard work, also immerse yourself in creative, life-giving pursuits that build your confidence and grow your passions.
Focus on your physical health as you tend to your mental health.
Find joyful movements to participate in…walks, yoga, or whatever makes you feel happy and energized. Our physical and mental health are so profoundly entangled.