Untangling the web of love and pain when the abuse comes from someone you love.

When the Remembering Gets Tricky

If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, it’s not hard to imagine the difficulty of leaving someone you care about. Even when things have gone sideways or you know the end is imminent, the ties that bonded you usually still mean something, even after difficulty. There is a shared history, shared memories, and moments when you felt valued and loved. As humans, it’s important that we store up positive memories and are able to recall them in seasons of hardship. The ability to remember is hardwired into our brains, helping us reason, move forward, and have discernment about the future. But the remembering can get tricky when we find ourselves in an abusive relationship.

The same coping mechanism that helps us get through hard times in healthy relationships can allow us to stay for too long in dangerous ones.

The same coping mechanism that helps us get through hard times in healthy relationships can allow us to stay for too long in dangerous ones. Even though you may have experienced it, you might not know there’s a name for it: Trauma Bonding is the term for the connection that’s formed when an abuse victim bonds with their abuser in a profound way, making it harder to leave even when there is no good reason to stay.

The Patterns of Abuse

Abuse can look many different ways, but it often follows a pattern of behavior that keeps the victim reeling between feelings of love and appreciation and hurt and hopelessness. This back and forth only strengthens the trauma bonds between the abuser and the abused, making it more and more and difficult for separation to occur. The cycle may look something like this:

1. Love Bombing: The abuser showers their partner with affection or even extravagant gifts. The result is a renewed sense of affection and bonding, which leads to prolonged grace for the abuser.

2. Trust Rebuilding: The abuser may even go out of their way to build a sense of trust between them and their partner. Whether this is a premeditated plan or a sincere way to work on the broken relationship, they may suddenly become more reliable, thoughtful, and devoted, expressing their affection through responsible means and reaching out to gain their partner’s trust back.

3. Criticism & Manipulation: Because cycles that aren’t broken can’t heal, the abuser will eventually defer back to their old ways of handling relationships. When things aren’t going their way, they will begin to break down the bonds they’ve formed with their partner by tearing them down or manipulating them into acts of submission. But even as the abuse cycles back up, the victimized partner will have trouble giving themselves permission to leave. The Love Bombing and Trust Rebuilding has done its work of re-entangling.

“As humans we are always trying to make sense of our environment, at times increasing our emotional bond with our victimizer in order for our world to make more sense, and restore that feeling of control. This is natural, but harmful. We can help you untangle this twisted web of love and fear. Get in touch to setup an appointment with us.”
– Michelle Jacobs,
Licensed Master Social Worker at Hope & Healing

Hope for Healing

Bonds are not meant to be easily broken. Emotions tie us to each other in profound ways that are meant to keep us in community and in relationship with one another. But it’s so important to understand how those bonds can get twisted and keep us from the freedom, love, and healing we all need. If you find yourself or a loved one in an abusive relationship that seems to constantly cycle, it’s not too late to find hope and get help. Therapy will help you disentangle yourself from trauma bonding and see it for what it really is. We’re here to help. Don’t stay in the dark.

Verified Reliable Sources for the Content in This Article: “What Is Trauma Bonding” by Ariane Resnick, CNC and Akeem Marsh, MD

Put It Into Practice

The power of speaking love back into your life

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Abusive relationships are all about tearing down–tearing down boundaries, tearing down people, and tearing down hope. Partners of abusive people almost always struggle from a deep sense of inadequacy and low self-esteem after being exposed to verbal and/or physical abuse for any period of time. 

Healing can start from a renewed inner narrative that speaks hope, kindness, and strength. If you’re currently in or recovering from an abusive relationship, start speaking love over yourself today. Position yourself in places where you can use your natural gifts and feel good about your work. Remind yourself that it’s not your fault you were abused. Surround yourself with people who genuinely love and care for you. Give yourself time to heal. Take care of your body. Make space for joy in your everyday life. Find a way to be grateful for where you are now, even if you feel like you’re barely making it. You are, in fact, making it. 

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