What’s your attachment style, and how is it affecting your relationships?

November 21, 2023 Casey Sigler

When Relationships Feel Hard…

Do you ever find yourself wondering “Why does this feel so hard?” when it comes to the majority of your relationships. Whether you’re trying to connect with your children, your spouse, or your colleagues, relationships can feel difficult at times. But if you sense that every relationship is throwing obstacles your way or you can’t seem to be vulnerable with anyone, you may consider diving a little deeper into your Attachment Style. Attachment styles are innate…formed within each person from their earliest relationships – most notably, with your parents or guardians. You can’t choose your attachment style. It’s something that becomes a part of you very early in life. So it’s a good idea to do a little research, figure out which style you closely identify with, and determine how it may be affecting your day to day relationships. So, let’s take a look at the 4 attachment styles.

1. Secure Attachment

For children who had loving, attentive parents, secure attachment is most widely recognized. The securely attached adult can be empathetic, realize and admit their own faults and failures, and set appropriate boundaries when needed. This certainly does not mean securely attached adults have zero problems in relationships…every human is bound to experience grief, breakups, and conflict in life. But the securely attached can typically see their own mistakes, find a healthy perspective, and reach out for help when needed.

2. Ambivalent Attachment

Knowing your attachment style can be the beginning of a new way of relating, connecting, and attaching in healthy ways that lead to more fulfilling relationships.

If your parents were inconsistent towards you…sometimes engaged and otherwise aloof…you may find it difficult to feel secure in your relationships. You may always fear coming across as too needy or may have trouble respecting others’ boundaries. A child who is never sure how his parents will approach him may develop into an adult who isn’t sure how other adults will receive him, if they’ll be loyal to him, or he can ever relax in a relationship. The need for constant reassurance may cause relationships to feel strained.

3. Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment

When infants experience neglect from their parents, they learn the skill of self-soothing. Adults who learned that their needs may not be consistently met tend to self-soothe by becoming fiercely independent, making it unnecessary to depend on others–even in romantic relationships. If you or someone you love finds it difficult to express emotions, be vulnerable with others, or commit to any long lasting relationships, you may discover that they experienced a childhood that lacked much significant attachment at all.

4. Disorganized Attachment

Those who experience Disorganized Attachment dealt with parents or guardians who were facing their own unprocessed trauma. At times, they may have offered love and support, while other times, they created chaos, fear, and more trauma in their wake. Their children never learned to self-soothe since the environment was, in fact, disorganized and they never knew what to expect. In adulthood those with Disorganized Attachment may feel like the world is a terribly scary place and often feel paralyzed in the face of it because of their inability to figure out what they needed as a child, and the intensity of emotions in their home. They may perpetuate the emotional abuse they experienced as children by controlling their partners and loved ones, neglecting them or refusing to take responsibility for their own behaviors.

If you identify one of these attachment types for yourself or possibly someone you are in a relationship with, there is an abundance of information accessible about overcoming attachment styles and how to work through one’s natural tendencies. Counseling can also tremendously help as you discover your past traumas and build healthy foundations moving forward. And the good news is that the diagnosis of an attachment doesn’t have to be the end! It can be the beginning of a new way of relating, connecting, and attaching in healthy ways that lead to more fulfilling relationships.

Put It Into Practice

In order to relate well to others, you have to relate well with yourself.

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Spend the time to work through your past. It’s difficult, time-consuming work but it is always worth it. Without addressing the difficulties in your childhood, and how you have learned to “self-soothe” (or not), you cannot possibly hope to develop healthy, stable attachments with others. There is so much more love and acceptance out there for you. Take care of yourself and you’ll learn to take care of others.

Hope & Healing