Love Amidst the Storm: Strengthening Your Marriage When Your Child Has Autism

November 5, 2024 Casey Sigler

When the Rubber Meets the Road

Whether your marriage began with a huge wedding or a simple ceremony at the courthouse, there is no question it truly began as marriages throughout time have begun: with the vows. The promises you gave your spouse defined your commitment to each other…you said you are here to stay, through poverty or wealth, sickness or health–your health and the health of those you love.

Needlesstosay, vows are always easier spoken than carried out. But for those families with a child diagnosed with autism, the marital relationship can be especially challenging. Finding time to remain connected to your spouse among the daily needs of an autistic child can prove incredibly hard. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. While some research indicates marriages can grow unstable while parenting neurodivergent children, still other studies claim that those exact marriages can in fact prove stronger and experience more marital intimacy than most.

Shaken Trees

Everyone knows what it takes to grow a seed into a tree…sunlight, water, and soil. But perhaps the next most needed element is wind. The pressure of wind deepens the root system of a tree, giving it a firmer foundation and strengthening its trunk and limbs. In much the same way, when approached together and with renewed commitment, challenges can actually strengthen intimacy in a marriage. Being truly known and understood by your spouse in the midst of hardship creates a bond like no other.

Like trees in a storm, your marriage can not only weather the storms but grow stronger through the shared experience of raising a child with autism.

The statistics for American families with autistic children can feel overwhelming. Rates of autism have doubled in the last ten years, many therapies are not covered by health insurance, and behavioral difficulties can keep incomes down, as one parent (usually the mother) may not be able to seek full time employment. In many ways, the odds are stacked against families with autistic children. Money and time are tight, minds are full of plans, necessary routines, and worries about the future. Intentional intimacy may feel like the last bullet point on a never-ending list of To-Dos that are essential for the family’s survival. But when marriages suffer, the entire family system suffers. So, regardless of how it feels, prioritizing your relationship may prove to be the most important part of parenting your children well.

But How?

Studies prove that the earlier a couple can nurture their intimacy during an Autism diagnosis of their child, the better. The early stages of receiving a diagnosis can be some of the most chaotic. Seeking testing, finding support, figuring out behavioral triggers, and so forth can be especially taxing on a couple. But whether or not you’re in the early season of parenting a neurodivergent child, it’s never too late to take some insight to heart and start building back the strength of your marriage.

Be appreciative. Notice when your spouse is intentional with you or your child. Express gratitude for the parts they play in both your marriage and as a parent. Even though shared responsibility is expected, it doesn’t make it less difficult. And verbal affirmation can go a long way towards encouraging your partner!
Grow your social network. Research shows that families with a stronger support system always fare better. Seek out friendships and other couple friends. Whether you have multiple people who can help provide childcare for a date night or a few friends who will simply be a soft place for you both to land on hard days, a larger network of support will help strengthen your bond.
Share the bad and the good. Consider how you talk to your spouse about the day. Be sure to offer positive information and moments of growth along with the difficult stuff as often as possible. Allowing yourself to see both the good and the bad together will give you both a better perspective and strengthen your communication.

Like trees in a storm, your marriage can not only weather the storms but grow stronger and more deeply rooted through the shared experience of raising a child with autism. Is it easy? No. Is it worth the work? Absolutely.

Put It Into Practice

If your spouse is hesitant...

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True intimacy takes both spouses. If your spouse is hesitant to communicate or feels emotionally overwhelmed by circumstances, try spelling out your needs in a gentle way that communicates your desire to be closer to them. Approach them with a message that says, “I want to do this with you. I know we can handle this together.” Whether it’s in an intentional conversation or written down in a notecard, share your desire to strengthen your bond and ask what will help them engage more fully with you. Marital relationships are always worth the effort.

Hope & Healing