You Complete Me?

Call it a “toxic trait”...as a culture, we love to talk about the dangers of codependency. It’s too much to ask too much of anyone else, even when that “too much” is defined by an objective, societal notion that we may not all be on the same page about. We love followers, we crave “likes”, and we’re always aiming for more “friends” but when it comes down to the real people in our lives, the boundaries must be firm. The message we receive is that we should feel completely self-satisfied and self-secure; able to move forward in life at our own pace without the interference, approval, or strings too tightly knitted to anyone else. Anything less than fully self-sustaining behavior must signal that we’re looking to someone else to make us whole. And that would be a big mistake. Or would it? 

While you cannot fully depend on another human for your complete joy and wholeness, you can be okay with depending on someone else to treat you with kindness, generosity, and love.

Attached. For Good.

In their book, Attached, Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel Heller, M.A. explore the dangers, not of actually being attached, but of not allowing ourselves to be in securely attached relationships. The problem, they argue, is that while we’ve accepted attachment as an integral part of development in infants and children, we have created a stigma when it comes securely attached adults. But why would adults not need similar levels of comfort and dependability? Research shows that, in fact, we do. 

Levine and Heller describe a recent psychological study done on a group of female adults to explore the effects of attachment. The women were blindfolded and told that they’d soon experience a mild electric shock. Those who were alone experienced significant increases in heart rate and blood pressure, whereas the women who were given a stranger’s hand to hold experienced slightly lower increases in metabolic rates. They were able to withstand the anxiety prior to the shock as well as the shock itself without any significant effects on their nervous systems. Just as a crying baby needs to know that their distress will be recognized and tended to, adults require a certain amount of security in order to cope with the novel and disturbing events life brings. 

Science Proves The Benefits of Attachment

Of course, most adults have a higher level of endurance than a screaming infant. Levine and Heller write, “The difference is that adults are capable of a higher level of abstraction, so our need for the other person’s continuous physical presence can at times be temporarily replaced by the knowledge that the person is available to us psychologically and emotionally.” Yet the sophistication with which an adult can handle stress does not make him or her incapable of insecurity. “...the bottom line is that the need for intimate connection and the reassurance of our partner’s availability continues to play an important role throughout our lives.” In fact, studies have shown that when we attach to someone…either romantically or as friend, we stabilize each other’s blood pressure, breathing, and even hormone levels. We, in some ways, become the same entity. Adults need that kind of safety to live securely. 

Levine and Heller go on to state that because the world presents us with so many difficulties and stressors, we can only deal with those from a state of inward and relational security. That’s why it’s difficult to focus on work when you are in the middle of an argument with your spouse. Or why it’s hard to check things off of your to-do list when you and your best friend are having a falling out. This doesn’t imply that we’re in unhealthy, co-dependent relationships. This simply means that the relationships we have matter.

Embracing healthy relationships…even with their messes and complications…is key to being a healthy adult. Learning to depend on someone else, even if that means allowing their flaws to hurt or disappoint you, is part of what it takes to be securely attached. Don’t flee from that kind of dependency. Lean in.

Verified Reliable Sources for the Content in This Article:
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love written by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.

Put It Into Practice

Having trouble taking risks or being creative in your every day life?

Take a good look at the relationships around you. Are there any relational situations that need to be mended or addressed? Research shows that adults who don’t feel securely attached have trouble living their fullest lives, as they’re always focused on the deficit of support. Healthy relationships are mutually loving and giving. Look for these as you form new friendships and watch how every other facet in your life becomes more vibrant. Knowing you’ll have a safe place to fall makes the risks far more possible.

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