Love is complicated.

Love is intricate. Our human weakness keeps us vulnerable to hurt (both the giving and receiving of it) and just like most things in life, love is a journey that sometimes finds you on a mountaintop and other times buries you in a valley. The development of codependency in a relationship may make it look like your love defies those valleys, but we all know it’s impossible to always stay in the sunshine. If you find yourself striving for your partner’s constant happiness, consistently putting their needs above your own mental or emotional health, or working for the appearance of perfection in your relationship, it may be time to check in on your attachment habits.   

The (Impossible) Forever Honeymoon

Codependent partners lose themselves in a constant pursuit of trying to make their partner happy, known, and fulfilled.

Every relationship experiences it…those first few days, weeks, months, or years of absolute bliss. You find yourself thinking about that other person, wishing they were experiencing something with you, or feeling more cheerful or at peace when they’re nearby. Maybe you trust them implicitly, because they haven’t had a chance to let you down yet. That falling in love stage is part of the fun and we all love it. And it’s true; every romantic relationship or new friendship needs to experience that space of ease and joy. But partners who tend to become codependent will seek to stretch out that phase until it becomes harmful. They lose themselves in a constant pursuit of trying to make their partner happy, known, and fulfilled and they’ll even place their prized relationship above all others. The effort may appear to be self-sacrificing and loving, but at the root of codependent behavior is an addiction to feeling loved that can severely harm the effected relationship and weaken their own sense of self-worth and value. 

What Codependency Looks Like

Partners, parents, and friends can all find themselves in a codependent relationship. Chances are, as you’re reading this article, someone in your family or social group is coming to mind. So it’s important to not view codependency as just a plight to romantic partners. In fact, getting a better idea of what codependency looks like practically may help you identify it in your own life in various relationships.

Codependent behavior looks like:

• Someone who will negate their own needs to make sure their loved one is happy at all times

• Someone who allows their moods to swing based on their loved ones’ moods

• Someone who will isolate themselves from their own friendships, hobbies, and pleasures to give preference to those of their loved one

• Someone who may become manipulative and nagging in an attempt to control their loved one because their sense of self will is so wrapped up in the other person

• Someone who becomes resentful when they’re slighted or not preferred 

Breaking the Habit

As with all destructive or addictive behaviors, the hard first step to recovery takes place when the individual recognizes they have a problem. For people with codependent tendencies, the acknowledgement of their issue may not arise until they’ve been hurt by their partner or loved one and can start to sense their own lack of self-worth. They may have experienced the loss of a loved one and noticed that their own life seems to have come to a sudden and abrupt stop. They may have denied their own needs so long that their bodies become ill or they develop physical disorders that communicate neglect or tension. Or perhaps they’ve found themselves isolated from their loved ones because their habits have become too difficult for others to try to manage or cope with. Healing begins with therapy, either individually or with the other person, where a renewed sense of self-worth and distinctness can be observed and grown. Breaking yourself free from the grafting of codependency takes time and patience, but full recovery is always possible.

Verified Reliable Sources for the Content in This Article: “Love Addiction: What Are the Stages of Codependency?” by Stephanie A. Wright, RN, BSN and Jennifer Litner, PhD, LMFT, CST

Put It Into Practice

Feeling the pinch of someone else's codependent behavior?

Begin to seek out their triggers. Does their mood darken when yours does? Do they fixate on your problems? Do they try to manipulate you? Limit the fuel for their fire by curating what you share with them. If you suspect your marriage has become codependent, seek immediate counsel and work towards affirming your partner’s sense of innate worth.

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Feeling like maybe you've become codependent in a relationship?

Watch how you react to your loved one’s bad news or trying day. Do you try to control their behavior? Do you find yourself without any of your own friends or interests? Make a therapy appointment and seek health. You may very well save the relationships you value the most and find yourself in the process.

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