Shame vs. Guilt & Why It Matters
You said something mean and…
…now you feel bad about it. It happens to all of us. Our “fuses” get short; our schedules fill and the expectations mount and even though we may not be fully aware of it, our stress is all the while layering. Under the surface, a pressure builds (cue Encanto soundtrack) and the moment we feel crossed or questioned, something tumbles out of our mouths that we didn’t plan, expect, or maybe even mean. But it is mean. And we’re left feeling one of two ways about it…shame or guilt. The difference between these reactions is meaningful as it can often reveal what’s going on internally in our hearts and brains and how we view ourselves as individuals. Our natural inclination towards shame or guilt can also reveal how we respond to others when they betray us or simply mess up.
Shame On You
Let’s say you’ve lost that bit of self-control and snapped at your spouse or child in a moment of frustration. Now what? You know what you did wrong as soon as you did it and you apologize and ask for forgiveness. The battle between shame and guilt happens next. How do you continue to respond to yourself in your moment of weakness?
Shame slams the door in the face of grace.
Do you accept the forgiveness offered? Shame says no.
In fact, shame slams the door in the face of grace and continues to harp on our own inadequacies, trying to convince us that deep down, we are fundamentally unworthy of forgiveness and love. Psychology Today describes it this way: “As a result, we don't feel that what we did is bad. We feel that we, as an individual, are bad. As a result, we may feel small, worthless, or powerless. Since changing our behavior doesn’t help us reduce shame, it can lead us to hide or retreat from others.” Once we let shame take the wheel, falling into shame cycles becomes second nature. Shame balks at us in our failed attempts and our shortcomings and tells us that we will never be enough, add up, or make up for everything we’ve done wrong.
Sadly, when we become accustomed to shame in our own lives, it becomes very easy to speak shame over others as well. When a child messes up, we may question their character or wholeness (“You are so irresponsible.”), rather than addressing the incident at hand (“I know you struggle with responsibility. I’ve got some practical ideas to help with that so that this mistake doesn’t happen again.”). If we’re not careful, we may relate their identity to their mistake instead of seeing them as a worthy individual who misstepped. Shame breeds shame and before you know it, the dysfunctional way you see yourself and others has gotten totally out of hand.
When Guilt is Good
But what about when we should feel really bad about what we did wrong? Or what about when others owe us an apology? Bad things happen. People hurt people. We’re all navigating relationships that can be trying and complex every single day. Guilt is the healthy response when things have gone sideways. That sharp tug you felt when the wrong words came out, or the lie was told, or the damage was done…that’s guilt and that guilt keeps you from going to sleep at night before you’ve made amends. Dr. June Tagney, a Psychology professor at George Mason University, says, “When people feel guilt, they tend to focus on behavior. Guilt is more proactive.” Guilt mends where shame destroys. “I’ve done something wrong.” Is a world away from, “I am something wrong.”
When we accept guilt on our own behalf, we become people who are more humble, gracious, and eager to see the good intentions of others.
When we accept guilt on our own behalf, we become people who are more humble, gracious, and eager to see the good intentions of others. When our children or our friend lets us down, we’re able to separate their behavior from their identity. We’re able to speak life to them, forgive them, and remind them of their worthiness even when they’re broken.
It’s obvious that the battle between shame and guilt is one that we have to deal with on a daily basis, whether we’re aware of it or not. Everyone of us has the opportunity to see ourselves as hopelessly flawed (shame) or worthy but flawed (guilt) every single day. Choosing the right place to start can make all the difference in how we love ourselves and others.
Verified Reliable Sources for The Content in this Article: Tchiki Davis, Ph.D. via Psychology Today and The American Psychological Association
Put It Into Practice
When you’ve done something wrong, or something wrong has been done to you, take one moment and:Take a deep breath: calming your nervous system can give you mental clarity and physical control.
Remind yourself that you are loved and worthy of love, whether or not you are the one in the wrong. And the same is true for the other person as well.
Ask for forgiveness or accept forgiveness.
Do your best to “let it go”. Quiet the accusing voices in your head with a simple mantra like “I am loved.” or “I am whole.”
Refuse to live in shame. This will take practice and sometimes the best practice will be intentionally not shaming others first.