What is the “Right” Kind of Emotional?

Feelings can be a bit of a hot button topic these days. 

Some people insist that they’re all that count. We’re often told to “Follow our hearts”...letting our emotions guide our big decisions and be the driving force that guides our biggest life decisions. Other times, we’re simply encouraged to lean in to what our emotions are telling us and pay close attention to how they’re informing our bodies and our overall health. Still others grew up hearing their emotions carried no value at all and they’ve been shoving down their feelings for decades, turning off their proclivity for empathy for themselves and others. There has to be a balance…right? How do we listen to our feelings, assign them the appropriate worth, and pay the right amount of attention to them?

Feel Smart

Being able to feel our emotions and discern what they mean before we act on them is a trait that promises healthier relationships with both others and ourselves.

The key to sorting through our feelings is found in our Emotional Intelligence. Being able to feel our emotions and discern what they mean before we act on them is a trait that promises healthier relationships with both others and ourselves. In fact, being emotionally intelligent affects almost every realm of our lives. Research has shown that we can better cope with everyday stress, change tolerance, and decision making when we’re able to feel first and pull back the layers of our emotions second. We can even better understand our goals and motivations in life when we’re able to practice a greater level of emotional intelligence. 

Feel Well

If you’re used to acting on your “gut”, practicing emotional intelligence may feel like a restraint at first, whereas if you are used to depriving yourself of emotions, it may feel tedious. You’ll need to take the time to determine what you’re feeling when an emotion arises, observe it, and determine how to walk forward with intentionality and care. Consider a posture of curiosity to help you navigate the situation:

1. Be curious about why you’re feeling the way you do - A day at work becomes stressful and you find yourself without an appetite, tense, and snippy with your co-workers. Taking a moment to stop, breathe, and take stock of why you feel the way you do is the first step towards understanding your emotions. This practice will also help you identify common stressors that can wreak havoc with your emotions.

2. Be curious about what you’re feeling - Make a mental list or even jot one down on paper. What are your emotional “symptoms?” Are your palms sweaty? Are you having trouble sleeping? Are tears coming? Or is there an increase in your heart rate? A feeling of anger? Rage? An intense need to reach for something to help you cope?

3. Be curious about what you can control - Unfortunately, we don’t get to decide what we feel or when we feel it. You may be very aware that someone telling you to “not be stressed out” or to “not be afraid” doesn’t help when you’re very much feeling those things. Instead of trying to turn off your feelings, take stock of what you can control. You may not be able to change that difficult family member but you can make sure everyone in your household has a good meal for dinner. You may not be able to fire your troubled coworker, but you can focus on your individual tasks and do your very best with them. 

Even if you’re regularly feeling overwhelmed by your emotions, the news is good. Practicing curiosity and intentionality with your feelings will grow your emotional intelligence over time. Whether or not you consider yourself emotionally aware, you don’t have to be trapped by what you feel. There is a way to listen, feel, and be wise about your emotions.

Verified Reliable Sources for the Content in This Article: “How to Improve Emotional Intelligence” by Sara Viezzer, BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Applied Neuropsychology

Put It Into Practice

If you have trouble feeling care for others, growing your emotional intelligence may look like practicing active listening with peers and loved ones.

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Being emotionally intelligent will make you more empathetic towards others. But if you’re always fighting what you feel, you’ll naturally be more likely to shove aside other people’s emotions as well. Try to practice these tips next time someone comes to you with their own emotions.

1. Don’t interrupt others as they explain themselves or share what’s on their heart.

2. Read body language. If someone is feeling ashamed or shy, they may look away. If they’re excited to tell you something, they’ll look for your eye contact. How can you make them feel more comfortable in the moment?

3. Try to decrease distractions around you. Put away your own concerns or frustrations when someone is asking for your attention.

Other Interesting Reads About Identifying Your Emotions