What’s Your Conflict Management Style?
The Dreaded Eight-Letter Word: Conflict
One thing is clear about conflict: different people handle it differently. The good news is that although no two people are exactly alike, it is possible to classify different people’s responses to conflict into a handful of categories. Researcher and former professor Dr. Kenneth W. Thomas published a peer-reviewed article called Conflict and Conflict Management: Reflections and Update in the Journal of Organizational Behavior, in which he lays out his “taxonomy” for classifying different types of conflict management. We’re here to break it down for you in hopes that you’ll identify your conflict style and grow in your ability to engage in healthy conflict.
Five Modes of Handling Conflict
In the chart pictured below, Dr. Thomas provides a helpful visual for five different modes of handling conflict, categorized according to two possible underlying intentions: 1) to satisfy one’s own concerns, and 2) to satisfy others’ concerns. Those that are most committed to satisfying their own concerns are “assertive,” and those that are most committed to satisfying others’ concerns are “cooperative.”
Weaknesses of Cooperativeness and Assertiveness
Both assertiveness and cooperativeness have their weaknesses. A hyper-cooperative but unassertive individual is prone to accommodate. While sometimes accommodating is necessary, if one only ever accommodates, it can lead to one-sided relationships. On the other hand, a hyper-assertive but uncooperative individual is prone to compete. There’s a time and place for competition. However, living in a constant mode of competition can prevent one from cultivating relationships marked by mutual love, support, and trust.
Note that it’s possible to be an unassertive and uncooperative person that neither attempts to satisfy one’s own concerns or those of others. There are many reasons why someone might be prone to avoidance, but moving through life in a constant posture of avoidance is likely to lead to stunted relationships, isolation, and numbness.
Which Modes of Conflict Management Are Ideal?
Thomas’s model seems to suggest that compromise and collaboration are the ideal modes of conflict management. Fittingly, compromise is the “middle ground” between assertiveness and cooperativeness. We all know how hard compromise is, but it is a necessary tool in our “conflict management belt.”
Individuals with the conviction and confidence to attempt to satisfy their own concerns, as well as the humility and empathy to attempt to satisfy other’s concerns, are “collaborative.” And what is collaboration? Simply working with others.
What Next?
Sometimes, looking at charts like this can trigger negative thoughts such as, “I know I’m avoidant, but I don’t know how not to be, or, I can’t help but view life as a competition.” In exercises like these, remember to adopt a posture of non-judgmental curiosity. Instead of beating yourself up for being avoidant, ask yourself some questions:
Have I always been this way?
Is this a pattern in my family of origin?
What about assertiveness and cooperativeness makes me afraid?
Instead of deriding yourself for being hyper-competitive, get curious about that: Was competition highly valued in my family growing up? What do I feel competition offers me? What about cooperativeness makes me afraid?
For some reflection questions to help you grow in compromise and collaboration, check out the “Put It Into Practice” section below.
Put It Into Practice
Compromise and collaboration are often easier said than done. Here are some reflection questions to help you make progress in each of these modes of conflict management.Compromise Mode
What are my core guiding values in this situation? What are my convictions (or essentials) on which I’m not willing to budge?
Why am I not willing to budge on these issues? Is it a matter of conscience? Does it pertain to a true need I have? Or is it more of a minor preference I can do without for the sake of another?
What is one thing I can ask for and one thing I can give up in order to move towards resolving this conflict and settling on an agreeable compromise?
Collaboration Mode
Is there anything I’ve been trying to do on my own that would be more effective and enjoyable to do with others? Has my lack of partnership with others been accidental or intentional? If intentional, what might be holding me back from collaboration?
Is there anyone I can initiate to and offer to help out with a particular project, goal, or solution they are working toward?
In collaborating with others, what are my main strengths and weaknesses? How can I play to my strengths and lean on others where I am weak?