Having Good Conflict Requires Asking Good Questions  

Let’s admit it: most of us hate conflict. And even for those who don’t dread it like going to the DMV, healthy conflict resolution is hard, for everyone. When we feel offended, we get defensive. When we open up and feel misunderstood, we withdraw. When we find ourselves in the same conversation we’ve had countless times before, we lose hope that things will ever be resolved. 
But there is hope, which is why we’re excited for this new series called, The Good Fight where we’ll dive into insight and tips for healthy conflict resolution and management.

Today, we will be arming you with some clarifying, digging, summarizing, and solidifying questions to ask the next time you find yourself stuck in conflict with no idea where to go (or what to say) next. Our goal is to equip you to get to the heart of the matter and move towards a resolution that builds up rather than tears down, and binds together rather than breaks apart. 

Clarifying & Digging Questions

These questions are to help you understand what the other person is thinking and feeling, what they consider the most important issue, and how they hope this conflict will be resolved. Be prepared to listen to understand. Fight the temptation to quickly react, defend, or interrupt. For guidance, go back to the Golden Rule: listen how you hope to be listened to. 

Here are some questions to dispel confusion and dig deeper:

• When you say _____, are you telling me that _____?

• What I’m hearing is: _____. Is that correct? Am I understanding?

• Can you tell me more about that? 

• What did you mean when you said _____? What were your intentions?

• How did you perceive my intentions when I did/said _____? May I explain? 

• In your view, what is the main issue here? 

• When did you first start feeling like this? 

• What is your desired outcome?

Summarizing & Solidifying Questions

This next set of questions falls more on the “heading-for-resolution” side of the conversation (woo hoo!). If you and the other party have candidly and respectfully discussed the issue(s) at hand and are ready to move towards resolution, try asking some of these summarizing and solidifying questions: 

• Of all that you just said, what do you most want me to understand? 

• Do you feel understood by me? Is there anything I’m missing? 

• Is there anything you held back that you think I need to hear? 

• What do you need from me right now? How can I love you well going forward? 

• Is this conflict resolved for you, or do you think we need to come back to it?  

Progress > Perfection 

In reading through a list of questions like this, you may be wondering if you’ll ever be able to remember a single one of them in the midst of a heated kitchen argument or a tense workplace disagreement. But remember: perfection is not the goal here. Simply aim to make progress. Bit by bit, it will add up. For now, try memorizing one question from each section to ask the next time you experience conflict. You might be surprised just how much even one good question can open the door to healthier, more productive conflict!