What is Attachment Theory, Anyway? 

Though not as popular as things like the Enneagram and Trauma studies, Attachment Theory is nonetheless becoming increasingly more “mainstream” as people reap the benefits of analyzing their past experiences and present tendencies according to its tenets. 

In a nutshell, Attachment Theory is about emotional bonds and how they affect us. The idea is that the earliest emotional bonds that we experience (even as infants) with our caregiver(s) have lasting psychological impacts on us as we develop into adults. Psychologist John Bowlby viewed our yearning for attachment as an innate desire that has kept children safe throughout human history by driving them to draw near to their primary caregiver(s) for comfort and protection from the world around them—unfamiliar, often frightening, and riddled with potential threats.

So What’s the Big Deal About Attachment Theory? 

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Don’t you think it would be difficult to grow up to build healthy relationships established on trust, when the only person who was ever safe enough for you to trust was… you? 

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Bowlby and other Attachment Theorists concluded that children who received consistent emotional awareness, responsiveness, and nurturing care from their primary caregiver(s) were more likely to develop into adults who lived life with an internal sense of safety and security, thus making it easier for them to cultivate healthy relationships with others.

Think about it—let’s say you grew up in a home where there was more chaos than stability, where your caregivers were either physically or emotionally absent, where you had to learn how to fend for yourself and develop coping mechanisms to calm yourself down in moments of crisis because those meant to keep you safe were MIA, or perhaps even the ones bringing chaos and crisis into your world. Don’t you think it would be difficult to grow up to build healthy relationships established on trust, when the only person who was ever safe enough for you to trust was… you? 

What About You?

Is this your story? For many, it may not take much imagination to consider what a child in such a situation might feel. You may even look at your own life and find the effects of an insecure attachment during your early years. It surfaces differently for everyone: it could be a string of codependent or abusive relationships; a tendency to isolate; turning to self-harm for a temporary sense of relief; a crippling fear of abandonment; emotionally shutting down in conflict; or a habit of pleasing-and-appeasing rather than speaking the truth in love.

Or maybe you can look back on your early years and say that, all in all, you felt seen, loved, protected, and nurtured. That doesn’t mean your primary caregivers(s) were perfect but rather that your early years were characterized by an overall ability to trust those tasked with caring for you and keeping you safe. If this is you, you may find it easier to open up to others.
Though building intimacy takes work for everyone, maybe for you an intimate relationship doesn’t feel as much like an unattainable pipe dream as it does for some. Maybe you can see the fruit in your life of strong emotional bonds in your early years. What a gift to be grateful for! This isn’t something to feel guilty over (knowing some weren’t as fortunate) or arrogant about (as if you earned it and others didn’t). Rather, it’s a gift to receive from those who came before you and pass on to those coming after you. 

If you didn’t get the emotional bonding you needed in your past and you’re feeling discouraged about your future, fear not! There’s always hope, and there’s always healing available. Stay tuned for future posts in this series All About Attachment, where we’ll discuss multiple different patterns (or “styles”) of attachment, as well as how your past doesn’t get the final say on your future.